alcohol induced daydreams, the heady hangover that wouldn’t let me sleep or stay fully awake at the same time. Right now listening to “porcelein” by Moby, whose soothing and swaying music takes me to that place, somewhere between waking and sleeping, while just seating in a corner of a slowly darkning room in the dusk,. I am staring in space, empty cream walls that are changing colors like a chamaleon, as the day is vaning. the light is slowly fading out, and the dark curtains over the windows veinly tries to pull more light in by waving themselves, inviting. yet the light is like the ever-mischivious enchantress, the one that smiles and says i will come, tomorrow, when its my time. the lyrics of the song is speaking the unspoken words of the light, “.. so precious, goodbye.”
the surprise is, I clearly see it all, the conversation between them, the longing of the curtains, fear of darkness of the room, the light’s sweet yet firm promice that she will be back. I am clueless, or may be all of this is actually making sense in a weird sort of way.
and suddenly, may be not so suddenly, yet subtly the light is gone and darkness is here. the darkness is not just mere absense of light. its an identity itself, the one that is smug, every steady, static. he is the peace, the mysterious comfort. why everyone is scared of him, is because one can rarely understand him, his wide pride, his deep smug chill, and his uncanny ways of living and breathing soundlessly. there is no song, no lyrics, but he does play, in beats. there is a harmony, in tipper tappers of small insects that are part of his orchestra. he plays, no, he makes all of them play. he is the silent master that gathers all under one roof and plays in rhythum.
the revelations like these are so stimulating, so overwhelming that it gives me goosebumps. the cold sweat, the shiver of electricity down my spine is the proof of it. now i am aware of his presense, and absense of her. its comforting. in a all so knowing way.
i close my eyes, or may be i have actually opened them instead, i am not sure which one has happened, but one thing is for sure, the scenario is changed. i am no longer in the darkroom, the wind is blowing hard, over my face, and all i can see around for miles is water. waves and more waves of al sizes and shapes. the river it self says, i am natural, i need no discipline, you will have to follow my rules else you’ll get hurt. i am standing on a bridge amidst friends, i can see foggy outline of them while they are with me. in all of them, there are two of them i am more connected to then others. they seem, they feel, closer. him and her, parts of a twisted circle that depicts a yin and yang, they seem like the smal broken parts that half creates circle, and the remaining missing pieces are yet to find.
I am just standing there, the wind is getting stronger and its getting more and more uncomfortable to stand there without holding onto the railing, but i am proud, knowing my strength and ignoring my weaknesses in a egoistic sort of way. i am standing, together with them, but all alone. keeping my stand. which makes me feel the ‘i’ in me. the I that is changing the shape every fraction of a second, yet the palpable energy and strength that I contain, is there, will remain there forever. knowledge that comes along this, is such treasure, that i am glad i have been able to see through this all.
but there is an abrupt stop to it all, there are some screams, shouts and a thud. what do i see around?, actually just fog, and hazy images. but rather then seeing, i am sensing, someone has fallen. i look around for him and her. the one that first comes to my mind, the ones that i want to protect more than the others. am i biased?, yes i am. i want to save them all, but those two are the first ones i wil think of. his hazy figure is almost at the other end of bridge, seemingly unknowing the accident of fall. soundly satisfied, i look for her. and she is nowhere in sight. my heartbeats have raised its tempo, thinking that faster blood flow will heat up the energy, making it ready to be used in case.
and to giving my doubts the real touch, its she who has fell. she is there, down there in water, i can’t see her clearly, but i can hear her, like she is whispering in my ears, from that far below, she says it over and over again, that “i’m sinking”, its a bit scary, and i am thinking about ways to save her. i think about the facts, the practicality in me is working at its best,calculating facts. two major facts that are at the top of the list are these, fact no. 1 , i know she can swim. fact no 2. i know i can’t.
I am still looking down, wanting to save her, the only question that i am searching the answer for is, “how”. i hear other around me, the sound are registered along with the search for the answers. someone is shouting to her, ” leave the jacket you’re holding, swim, there is a boat in north direction” I look for the boat, i am not able to see that as well. the fog is too solid now. but another fact i know now why she is not able to swim, her fear has gripped her. Or may be its she who has gripped the fear, the jacket. and doesnt want to let go and belive that she can swim.
things are getting clearer in my mind, as the fog is getting thicker. now i know i can protect her, help her. but its now about my courage, my weakness. my mind shouts at me, “you can’t swim”. i defend back “, but she can. all i need to do now is to make her believe she can. ”
but i need to go closer to her in order to make her understand this. make her belive it. am i capapble of doing that, i am not so sure. but its about time i take that risk. i need to hold her hand, i need to talk to her. and so i jump down.
fog is replaced by chilled water, and i have fell somewhere near to her. i fight the water’s sadist urge to drown me in as i search for her arond and my finger touches hers. i can hear her much much clearer. and all the other sounds are from far far away. i have a small part of me that regrets, “you’re stupid.”
i pull her closer, or she pull me close. whatever way, now i have her hand in mine and she is hearing me, a bit surprised and a lot afraid, why i am there with her. i tell her, we are not sinking. i dont believe in the boat, but i want to belive in it so i tell her, there is a boat up north, lets go there.
she refuses, she refuses out of fear, she doesn’t belive me. its not about me, her fear has won over, and realisation hasn’t yet kicked in. i am breathless, on verge of loosing my life. and suddenly it comes to me, the answer. one of the answers i have been searching all my life, and have found it, seemingly at the end of it.
… there is none more strong and brave as… a mother. the woman may be weak, insecure, not certain of anything, but a mother is proud and strong. a mother always have a solution to all childs problems.
i was there in water to save her, but i had relised, it was i who needed to be saved. and the realisation of it, shakes me. i tell her the same, i call her my mother, i know she is, i know she can save me. right now in that situation, its only her who can.
i tell her, i am afraid and i dont know how to swim. and i want her to hug me. i want her to hold me close, if this is the way the death has to reach me, reach us, then i want to die in her embrace, afraid yet in peace. she hears me, she hears so many things i had not even said, and she leaves the jacket, ang wraps her arm around me.
the transformation had begun, she has left gripping the fear, she is ready to fight it, cause more than her life, she wants to save her child’s life. i tell her, please don’t leave me. she tells me, donn’t worry, i am here.
and she swims, with double burden, in that foggy night, to the shore. the shore that is far away, but she knows its there. the boat is a chance she wouldn’t take. its her child’s life at stake. she swims, better than anyone in the world. and takes both of us to the shore. back to the life.
at the bank of river, lieing breathless, we look at each other, she with a pride at her strength to be able to save her child, and me with a life changing realisation.
that none need to be a man in order to be strong and to protect. a mother is the most powerful of all protectors. the identity crisis i had, for the existent male strength and female emotions, i came to realise, that it was labelled by society, that males are stronger, and females are emotional. i was stuck into gender construction of society even while i was trying to break through. i was fighting to prove my self to be a male, a label by society, while in real there are only two dynamics that existed. mother and a child. and that even genderless.
on the bank of the river, i sat up watching the sky in horizon with evident tears in my eyes, tears of hapiness, tears of revelation, of truth that i have found. the sky again turned into creamy walls as camaleon, and i was back to darkness.
but the truth was still with me, it wasn’t my twsited dream reality, and i knew i would always be thankful to her for the rest of my life, for that.
